i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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