bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
