Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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