Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dating After Heartbreak
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.