Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?