So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
