so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
