all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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