i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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