Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
