I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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