woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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