I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
