I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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