so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
