Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My first STD was from a foam party
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
