i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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