I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
