I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
