I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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