My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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