M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
