I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
