Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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