he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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