My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
