I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Randomize
