Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
