advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
There are leaves in my underwear?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
