Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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