I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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