I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
