where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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