last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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