Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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