I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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