I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
