Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
