I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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