I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
