I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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