hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
