I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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