mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
