he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
