Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
