wanna go halves on a baby?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
