I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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