You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
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I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
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Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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