you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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