apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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