just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
