He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
