I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
