Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
